Right, well, again, it’s been a while, though I don’t apologise. I’ve not had much motivation to use this blog as an outlet, which if anything is a good thing right? No problem, no need to talk to my self in a slightly-less-than-crazy-way. Still, I am now, so you’ve probably guessed there’s something going on in this little brain of mine.
I’m gonna start with telling you all what’s going on in my life. Not because I think you want to know, more because there are a few people who may bother to read this who have no idea what’s happening in my life at the moment, and to be honest, I want them to know, I want them to care and I want them to talk to me once in a while, but never mind.
- I’m living in Leicester. Have been all summer. Trying to feed myself and stay afloat, whilst searching for a job and revising for re-sits. No luck as of yet on the job front, though I still have a couple of things in the works, and re-sits have been done and gone, and I’m waiting to get the results back.
- I’ve turned twenty. Two decades down. It’s an odd feeling in my mind. I have a joint party with Jess (whose birthday is the day before), and a lot of people whose company I rather enjoyed came round and got drunk with me. I did notice the absence of a certain group of people, but I suppose you can’t have everything in life. The day before the party, on my actual birthday, Max, Ben and Pedro came round and we played real life fruit slice, watermelon dodgeball and feet. It was a really good day.
I can’t really think of much else in the way of news to be honest. Moving on then I guess.
Right, the title, spirituality. It’s a big one. Something I usually steer well clear of, but I guess dipping in and out won’t hurt, right?
I don’t believe in God. I’ve thought about it many times, and I just don’t. I don’t think less of people who do, I just don’t have the faith to believe something that big and life altering with any real conviction, so I don’t want to pretend and fake it. I’d probably call myself agnostic rather than atheist, but that’s just nomenclature really.
Anyway, for the sake of arguments, let’s say some divine being exists, and that “He” is all powerful, and all seeing and all knowing. Let’s say that entry to some form of paradise-like after-life, is based on one’s actions in life, and let’s say that some form of punishment awaits those who do bad things.
Ok, ground rules set, I’m gonna mentally perform a judgement of my life so far…
Yep, you guessed it, I’m going straight to hell. I’m terrified by death, the idea of it is horrible. Either there will be nothing and I will just cease to exist at all, or I will be judged by some supreme being, or perhaps even I will be reborn with no knowledge of ever having lived before. In any of these three cases, I will cease to be me. I will cease to have my life, with my body and my friends and family and my beautiful girlfriend and my things and my thoughts and everything will change. Everything. I don’t know how well you know me, but if you know me well enough, you’ll know that although I relish a challenge, I dislike the unknown and really don’t like massive changes that I can’t control.
So, a little astray from where I wanted to go, but I was following my train of thought and it didn’t stop at the stations I expected. It happens, let’s get back to what I was going to talk about. Me, obviously. The one thing I know more about than pretty much everyone else. I think I’m a bad person. I mean, I’m not a naturally cruel or hurtful person, but thinking back, I can remember a lot of things I wish I had done differently, and a lot of situations in which I definitely did the wrong thing.
Some examples, I really, really am never going to post on the internet. Not because they’re illegal, more because I know some of the things I immediately think of, could get me and various other people into a lot of trouble. For once I don’t really care about getting myself into trouble, I deserve some of it anyway, but I don’t want to make yet another bad choice here and cause problems for anyone else. Especially seeing as some of those people are people who I’ve wronged in various ways.
The first few things I thought of when broaching this topic mentally were women related. A lot of bad decisions I’ve made have been me giving in to base urges and basically thinking with my dick. I’ve hurt people, simply because I wanted to prove to myself that I could get with someone. Some of these people know, some don’t. It tends to be that I get uncontrollable urges to confess guilt to the one’s I really do care for, but sometimes I have just ignored it. Some know, some don’t. It’s very unlikely that any will be reading this unless someone else points out that I may be talking about them.In which case, don’t guess. Ask me. I’ll tell you truthfully. Everything I remember if you want me to.
Anyway, yeah, I used to be a prick when it came to girls. Oh, sure, I was sensitive, and liked nothing more than to care for a girls, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t after one thing in the long run. For a time I was quite proud of myself. I can gladly say I’m not any more.
I’d like to think I’ve changed. I mean, I’ve almost been with Jess for a year, and aside from a little flirting I haven’t doe anything stupid that could compromise our relationship. That I am proud of. Before Jess I’d never managed a full six months with anyone. I would always fuck it up somehow. Now however, I’m happily trying my hardest not to fuck it up 
I think I’m done for now. I do however want to apologise to the various people I’ve hurt over the past years. All of you out there. I am sorry. I was a bad person, and I probably hurt you, but I’m trying to improve though, and I think I’m getting somewhere. I hope I didn’t hurt you too much, and that one day you can forgive me for being young and egotistical and fairly dick-head-ish.
Night everyone, I really enjoyed putting this one down on metaphorical paper. Thanks for listening, it means a lot.
x
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