Too little, too late.

Right. I use the phrase “I had a deprived childhood” to cover for my ignorance on subjects like nursery rhymes and to explain why I never did things as a child that everyone else seems to have done.

It’s not exactly accurate. I wasn’t deprived like a starving African child is. Nor was I deprived like an orphaned Russian boy would be. I was and am however, the eldest of three children, all dependant on my single mother. So, as you can imagine, money has always been tight. Mum has tried her best, but I don’t get expensive things for birthdays or Christmas. Fact.

I don’t mind. It’s fair enough. Life is like that. I accepted that long ago. The outcome has been however, a rather materialistic streak right down the middle of my personality, and little things that most people don’t pick up on.

I mean, I’ll “open up” to most people, without a second thought, but really what I’m doing is dealing with people in a way I know and understand. They get the top layer. I’m really more than that, and the truth is that the more perceptive of people know it. Which tends to be why people expect more from me that I’m willing to give, a lot of the time.

Jess however, seems to rip through most of my layers and claw out the bits that have been hidden for a long, long time.

Anyway, I know I’m not making sense, but I don’t care.

The camera. It’s a DSLR. I know. Expensive, but quality. Lower end of the top end. Whatever. You guys have cameras. Course you do. If I want one, I’ll have to work, then buy it months after I needed it. Life. Yeah. Fuck it, whatever. That’s fine.

What happens when I just don’t fit anywhere? My own fault I guess. Lazy, self-destructive, defeatist.

Mental break down? Don’t know how. Anyway, I’d only go and mess it up.

x