MEH!!

I’m starting to wish I didn’t know the phrase “fuck my life”. Then, in times like these, I wouldn’t know what to say. Damn. I’m just generally bored and annoyed (mostly at myself), and just meh. Fuck and my and life.

I do sometimes wonder if I have a subconscious inability to let myself be happy…

Spirituality

Right, well, again, it’s been a while, though I don’t apologise. I’ve not had much motivation to use this blog as an outlet, which if anything is a good thing right? No problem, no need to talk to my self in a slightly-less-than-crazy-way. Still, I am now, so you’ve probably guessed there’s something going on in this little brain of mine.

I’m gonna start with telling you all what’s going on in my life. Not because I think you want to know, more because there are a few people who may bother to read this who have no idea what’s happening in my life at the moment, and to be honest, I want them to know, I want them to care and I want them to talk to me once in a while, but never mind.

- I’m living in Leicester. Have been all summer. Trying to feed myself and stay afloat, whilst searching for a job and revising for re-sits. No luck as of yet on the job front, though I still have a couple of things in the works, and re-sits have been done and gone, and I’m waiting to get the results back.

- I’ve turned twenty. Two decades down. It’s an odd feeling in my mind. I have a joint party with Jess (whose birthday is the day before), and a lot of people whose company I rather enjoyed came round and got drunk with me. I did notice the absence of a certain group of people, but I suppose you can’t have everything in life. The day before the party, on my actual birthday, Max, Ben and Pedro came round and we played real life fruit slice, watermelon dodgeball and feet. It was a really good day.

I can’t really think of much else in the way of news to be honest. Moving on then I guess.

Right, the title, spirituality. It’s a big one. Something I usually steer well clear of, but I guess dipping in and out won’t hurt, right?

I don’t believe in God. I’ve thought about it many times, and I just don’t. I don’t think less of people who do, I just don’t have the faith to believe something that big and life altering with any real conviction, so I don’t want to pretend and fake it. I’d probably call myself agnostic rather than atheist, but that’s just nomenclature really.
Anyway, for the sake of arguments, let’s say some divine being exists, and that “He” is all powerful, and all seeing and all knowing. Let’s say that entry to some form of paradise-like after-life, is based on one’s actions in life, and let’s say that some form of punishment awaits those who do bad things.
Ok, ground rules set, I’m gonna mentally perform a judgement of my life so far…

Yep, you guessed it, I’m going straight to hell. I’m terrified by death, the idea of it is horrible. Either there will be nothing and I will just cease to exist at all, or I will be judged by some supreme being, or perhaps even I will be reborn with no knowledge of ever having lived before. In any of these three cases, I will cease to be me. I will cease to have my life, with my body and my friends and family and my beautiful girlfriend and my things and my thoughts and everything will change. Everything. I don’t know how well you know me, but if you know me well enough, you’ll know that although I relish a challenge, I dislike the unknown and really don’t like massive changes that I can’t control.

So, a little astray from where I wanted to go, but I was following my train of thought and it didn’t stop at the stations I expected. It happens, let’s get back to what I was going to talk about. Me, obviously. The one thing I know more about than pretty much everyone else. I think I’m a bad person. I mean, I’m not a naturally cruel or hurtful person, but thinking back, I can remember a lot of things I wish I had done differently, and a lot of situations in which I definitely did the wrong thing.

Some examples, I really, really am never going to post on the internet. Not because they’re illegal, more because I know some of the things I immediately think of, could get me and various other people into a lot of trouble. For once I don’t really care about getting myself into trouble, I deserve some of it anyway, but I don’t want to make yet another bad choice here and cause problems for anyone else. Especially seeing as some of those people are people who I’ve wronged in various ways.
The first few things I thought of when broaching this topic mentally were women related. A lot of bad decisions I’ve made have been me giving in to base urges and basically thinking with my dick. I’ve hurt people, simply because I wanted to prove to myself that I could get with someone. Some of these people know, some don’t. It tends to be that I get uncontrollable urges to confess guilt to the one’s I really do care for, but sometimes I have just ignored it. Some know, some don’t. It’s very unlikely that any will be reading this unless someone else points out that I may be talking about them.In which case, don’t guess. Ask me. I’ll tell you truthfully. Everything I remember if you want me to.
Anyway, yeah, I used to be a prick when it came to girls. Oh, sure, I was sensitive, and liked nothing more than to care for a girls, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t after one thing in the long run. For a time I was quite proud of myself. I can gladly say I’m not any more.
I’d like to think I’ve changed. I mean, I’ve almost been with Jess for a year, and aside from a little flirting I haven’t doe anything stupid that could compromise our relationship. That I am proud of. Before Jess I’d never managed a full six months with anyone. I would always fuck it up somehow. Now however, I’m happily trying my hardest not to fuck it up

I think I’m done for now. I do however want to apologise to the various people I’ve hurt over the past years. All of you out there. I am sorry. I was a bad person, and I probably hurt you, but I’m trying to improve though, and I think I’m getting somewhere. I hope I didn’t hurt you too much, and that one day you can forgive me for being young and egotistical and fairly dick-head-ish.

Night everyone, I really enjoyed putting this one down on metaphorical paper. Thanks for listening, it means a lot.

x

Hmmmmmm’z

Right… Not sure I’ve felt this weird in… God knows how long. I mean, I’ve been conflicted plenty, and I have weird moments and weird feelings, pretty much all the time. That’s basically who I am. Still… At the moment, I feel completely f**ked up. Like absolutely mentally roller-coaster-y. One day I’m stupidly happy for no real reason, and things just keep getting better and better, then the next I’m all contemplative and moody. I just don’t know how to sort myself out, to be, kind of stable. Sometimes I really think there’s something wrong with me. Like fundamentally. Do I sub-consciously hate being happy so much that I somehow manage to make myself unhappy when things are going so well? Or… well, I don’t know, and if I keep writing I’m just going to go round in circles. Damn it all.

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“Which one do I trust?”

Wow, hasn’t it just been an age and a half since I last bothered to post on here properly? I’m sorry, it takes a certain mood to write things in the personal sense, so beyond posting links to other things, I didn’t really have much to contribute. I guess that’s in part because I haven’t needed to rant in a good long time, or at least not have a big long one. All the little one’s have been dealt with by my friends and my extremely talented and beautiful girlfriend.

That does however bring into question why exactly I’m posting now. I’m sure you’ll all be glad to know it isn’t to have a rant. Or at the very least I don’t intend it to be. Occasionally I get a bit carried away with writting these things and all sorts of stuff comes tumbling out.

Right, to business then, what has been happening in my life between then and now…
Well, first and foremost I guess I’d have to mention the end of my first year at uni. I failed the year as it happens, but I did finish it, which is more than can be said for some. I was a few percent short of a pass on both light and matter and maths 2, and apparently my Nano-Aerosols lab report was sub-par as well. The lab report I’ve already improved somewhat, and given to my tutor to look at and suggest improvements, the two exams though, I haven’t really had the courage to properly face until today. My re-revision started today with my journey to the uni library to both use the internet and to work on maths 2. I think I’ve done maybe half an hours work on complex numbers so far. Time seems to be passing in jumps and starts, really confusing me. Anyway, note to self, do more work, pass exams, do better next year.

One of the reasons I’m annoyed with myself (as well as the obvious, not putting enough work in and thereby failing), is that I couldn’t bring myself to tell my family the extent of my failing. I played it down to all of them. They all think it’s almost certain I’ll get into next year, but I don’t. Jess also believes I will pass my re-sits, and she knows exactly how badly I did, and I don’t want to make her faith in me misplaced, so I guess I’ll have to work more from now on.

Someone on the table next to me just ordered a grilled cheese sandwich. I’m getting both hungry and slightly nauseous. Not eating till about 7.30, but never mind. That brings me to my next point in a round about way. I guess most of you already know I’m living in the house in Leicester at the moment. and until the other day there was nobody else in or around Leicester for me to hang out with. Then, the other day Ben moved into his place. F**king sound lad. lol. I may have just gone a little chav for a second there, but I meant it Definitely a good friend, and a good laugh too. I’m going to the loaded dog for food with him in a bit. See the link? yeah I know, a little tenuous, but there you go

What else? Hmmm… Well, I’ve been job hunting, for a while now. I haven’t got a job yet, but I’ve not lost hope. Of what must be nearly 40 different jobs I’ve applied for now, I’ve had one interview and three rejection emails. I got all the rejection emails in the last two days. At the interview however, I apparently was exactly what they were looking for, and after an observation day they offered me the job. It was a terrible job for rubbish pay, so I turned it down, but at least they offered me the job in the first place. That counts for something right?

This chair is not at all comfortable on the spine. Definite back-ache going on at the moment.

I’m amused by the fact that I’m using the library’s café’s internet, and I’m drinking a can of coke I brought from home. Rebel Haha.

Jess has let me borrow her spare glasses because I managed to destroy another pair of my own a while back. I need to get my own, but I’m seriously low on funds. Selling stuff on ebay for some extra cash, just to make my overdraft last a little longer.

Right, time to get back to studying.

Smell ya later guys

x

Oddities.

Odd really. I guess it does make sense, but still. It appears that when I post, even though the last two times have been utter twoddle, I get around forty views on that day. Then, immediately afterwards I get none at all for a few days, with the very occasional one popping up every so often.

This is strange because just before the start of this term I was consistently getting upwards of twenty views per day, even on days I didn’t write anything. Curious, but just an observation. I haven’t posted much lately due to exams, friends, borderlands and various other destractions.

Eugh.

I have no desire to know anything about you, your life, or anything even remotely related to them. End of.

Looks like we made it.

Why don’t you just ask her yourself?

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N

Deal with it.

Things;

Things I miss;
-A bed that doesn’t squeak
-Some friends

Things I don’t miss;
-The other friends
-General bitchy-ness
-Exams
-Home
-Most of my family.

Conclusions? I Really don’t care about much apart from being happy right now, and that’s made me think a lot of things about the people and things I actually want in my life, and the other one’s, who just mess me about and cause stress.

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Strange…

Isn’t it odd how rules and authority makes us want to rebel?

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Every Single One.

Everyone has the capacity for cruelty. I know I certainly do.

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And Sometimes…

I just do not care.

It’s probably cruel, but I’m wondering what exactly will happen once the bomb gets dropped…

x

Blogged late again.

Blogging time again. I’m not sure why, but occasionally I do get the urge to write things. Often when things are playing on my mind, writing then all out helps me to get them into a more sensible order, and sometimes even helps me sort out problems I’ve been thinking about. Tonight though, I just feel like generally rambling on about whatever comes to mind and going with the flow.

Jess has next to no texts left for the next few days. Bugger. I mean, we were in Spain together for ten days where her phone wasn’t even working anyway, so how, in the summer holidays will it ever cope with the amount we like to say to each other? It’s much less when we’re at uni, because we see each other, usually more than once a day, but yeah, in the holidays that may be a cause of bad times.

I’m already packing for uni, and I don’t leave for another six and a half days. Crazy. When I say I’m packing, I mean I’m pretty much done packing. Just all my last minute things to go, really. It’s not that I’m in any particular rush to get back to uni this time, what with exams looming and pressure and revision both mounting. I’m just not really feeling being at home right now. It’s chaotic here. Sam’s broken his foot and ankle, so is in a cast, Becky is being Becky, Mum is being Mum and Rich is trying his best. I just don’t really feel like I fit in really, despite loving my family very much. I also believe that, on a subconscious level, I’m preparing to leave them for good. Not as in never see them again, but more start really living on my own and being more independent. I even suggested to Mum that she gets rid of my mattress or gives it to someone, so that there’s more room for my sister. I said that when I came to visit I could just use the spare duvets and blow up the double air bed. In my mind, I think I’ve already made up my mind that there isn’t enough room for me here anyway. In more than one way, I guess there isn’t.
I feel quite sad thinking about all that. Especially how in September or before, I’ll be moving into a house with six other people, all of us paying rent to a landlord and living together as students and as adults. Practically all of my possessions will be put into that house, for at least two years. I can already imagine how amazing it’ll be, but at the same time, I can already bring to mind all the things I’ll be leaving behind. I like to think my family need me, but in reality they don’t at all. For the two terms I’ve left them to sort themselves out, nobody has been killed, nothing has been destroyed, nobody has moved out… The lot of them have just gotten on with it. It’s not been like an integral cog from a watch has been taken out; the whole place hasn’t drawn to a halt. No, it’s more like one of the rarely used keys on the computer keyboard has been removed, yes it’s occasionally mildly annoying that it’s no longer there when you need it, but most of the time you don’t notice and everything continues as normal. I guess that just adds to the feeling of dislocation. Hmm…

On the topic of dislocation, I turned my knee earlier this evening, my good knee that is, and it made a horrible popping noise. It’s still hurting now, although it doesn’t feel like it has dislocated or any permanent damage has been done (Y)

Six hundred and thirty six words down. Not sure what else I should write. This’ll probably look pretty pitiful next to the 2.5k beast that I churned out near the end of my holiday in Spain, but I guess that had given me a lot to talk about and right now there’s not exactly much in my life that I can bore you with.

I’m not sure what to do with the bottle of sourz in my room. It’s not exactly easy to explain it… It’s not empty, but it doesn’t have liquid in, it has paper. Lots of small pieces of paper. Anyway, I guess I’ll have to take it to uni with me. I could claim it’s a decorative work in progress perhaps. Anything would seem slightly less insane than what it actually is.

Sorted out my lift for actually getting me and my things back to uni and thank the lord I didn’t have to ask Chimpy (the not exactly affectionate nickname both myself and my uncle have given to my granddad). I have in fact asked my uncle to provide transportation. So we’re going up in his truck. It won’t be fast, but it’ll get there come hell or high water. Should be a good laugh. I really enjoy spending time with Simon, we have a laugh. I used to be quite intimidated by him when I was younger, and I guess a bit in awe of him too, but I’m a bit more grown up now, and genuinely enjoy his company and his sense of humour. I still remember how good he was when my gran had a heart attack. I was really confused and upset (I was about 13), and as well as making sure gran was ok and calling the ambulance and everything else he made time to take me aside, give me something to do for a little while and check on me every ten minutes or so. Then, when gran was safely in hospital and stable, he took me out for lunch at the place near gran’s that I like to go and we had a pint (Mine had lemonade to make it weaker) , and we just talked about loads of things. Not once did he crack, and let what must have been a torrent of anxiety and fear out, not once did he snap or be short with me. If he hadn’t been there that day I probably would have been a mess for a long time afterwards.

Eugh, I’m getting all emotional and nostalgic. Fuck that for a barrel of fish. Got invited to Hanley by Emmy tonight, which was nice. I’m glad that not everyone has forgotten me. Hanley really isn’t my thing though, so I’m going to see her and Jon for coffee on Wednesday. Though I don’t drink coffee so will probably have hot chocolate or something. It’s given me an extra thing to look forward to which is nice. Plus, when I have a plan for my day I tend to get more done because I know what the structure is like and how much of what I can do when. If I don’t have at least a vague plan I tend to get side tracked and distracted into wasting a lot of time, and actually doing very little.

That’ll do for tonight I think. My finger is bleeding where I bit my nail earlier and it’s making it a bit painful to type. Night night all, or perhaps some other greeting depending on when I manage to post this and when you manage to read it.

x

Repost;

Apologise to those of first year physics who’ve already seen this, as well as some of the people on facebook, but I’m reposting this video, first shown to me by Eddy Li.

It’s good, it’s funny, I enjoyed it. Hopefully some of you out there in internet world will see it and it’ll make you smile at the least. It’s worth watching.

x

Well I Never…

I’ve just come back from Spain, where at times, it has to be said, I was most certainly being a sun shy Nancy boy. Right now however, I’m lapping up the rays in the garden. Gotta love watching other people work while your pretending to do some of your lab report. Good times.

On the topic of my lab report though, I am now in possession of a workable abstract, introduction, section one and section two. With only sections three and four and a conclusion to go, this puts me at around 4/7ths done, and loving it. I am most certainly done for today, with what I consider to be a decent amount of work completely to an acceptable standard.

I’ve also managed to fit in a trip to town to buy stupidly sugary foods for lunch, post my postal vote for the local election and voting referendum and book a haircut for Tuesday. I really don’t like going to hair dressers I don’t know, but there’s no way I’m going all the way to Blythe with no lift, just for a hair cut. Anyway, booking in with a place that had no front door (confusing), a pretty but probably dim receptionist (standard) and a “stylist” who was at least 46x more manly than me (worrying). I’ll give it a go, seeing as the receptionist smiled knowingly when I said I’d like it dyed a bright colour if they had any. I guess if the butch stylist guy is still working there he must be at least competent. Still, here’s hoping he’s a shining gem in the rough and works magic with my long overdue haircut. Aaaaaaand, should they happen to have an f-ing amazing colour that looks to be neon bright… Well, I just might be a bit more noticeable this time next week

News since I got back is as follows;

Gran’s had her operation (I still don’t know what she had to have done), and seems to be recovering. I’m visiting her tomorrow.

My brother has somehow managed to break his ankle, and is in plaster and lounging about in the living room all day (As if he could get any more lazy).

The little kitten has gone missing (I knew I couldn’t trust them to look after him, but I couldn’t exactly take him to Spain)

My sister had her prom the day before yesterday.

Prince William married Kate yesterday. I think the TV man said they’re known as the Prince and duchess of Cornwall or something daft like that. It looked like a lovely wedding, and the bride did indeed look fantastic, even if I don’t particularly care all that much.

And that’s the news so far.

Back on the topic of work, besides the lab report to finish, which I aim to do tomorrow, I’ve also got to do about one and a quarters worth of take home tests still, but I need help, so I guess they’re going to have to wait until I can talk to other physicists on Skype or something.

I didn’t sleep particularly well last night. I miss Jess already even though it’s only just over one day I’ve not seen her for. I guess that’s a bit mushy and whatever, but I really enjoy her company, and being with her brightens my day. Still, despite slight fatigue and minor loneliness, I’m in a rather good mood

I guess the only dampener that is annoying me a bit, is that Laura is being all over dramatic. She occasionally reads this, so I don’t mind talking about her on here. Plus I’ve said most of this to her already anyway. I just don’t like the fact that when I had feelings for her, she rejected me over and over until I gave up and moved on. Now however, when the situation is apparently reversed, she refuses to move on and be the friend that I need sometimes. I don’t like losing friends, but if it comes down to it, I’d pick Jess over Laura, and already have in fact. The reason Jess doesn’t like Laura, apart from the obvious, is that only a few days into my relationship with Jess, when Laura found out, she tried to break the two of us up, in order to have a relationship with me. I declined. After more than a year of being messed around, I really couldn’t take the uncertainty of being in that situation, and besides, I was happy with Jess, and wanting to see where that was going. I don’t mean to have a go, I really don’t. I just want my friends to be my friends, my girlfriend to be happy and for my life4 to be simple and peaceful. Perhaps this explains how I’m feeling to two people who I know will want to understand, perhaps not. As I’ve said before, I welcome comments on here, but if you have an issue with me, I’d rather you take it up with me in person.

Not really much else to say for the moment, I guess. Still enjoying the sun, even if it is a tad windy.

Much love to all my readers.

x